They are best delivered by goofy guys wearing dark socks and sandals.
Here are a few of our favorite groaners:
Evidently there’s a new type of broom out that is so popular, it’s sweeping the nation.
Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.
I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
Conjunctivitis.com – now that’s a site for sore eyes.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What is the quickest way to double your money? Fold it in half!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What did the buffalo daddy say to his boy when he left for college? Bison
I used to tell what I thought was a very funny pizza joke. But everyone said it was too cheesy.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery. Or would it be mesas?
Last time I was at the circus I saw a clown hold the door open for the bearded lady. Seemed like a nice jester.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?… 1 or 2? 1… or 2?
I took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster. Now he’s sluggish
I decided to sell my Vacuum Cleaner. It was just collecting dust
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Cannibals really hate clowns. They say they taste funny.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
Most melons have big weddings because they cantaloupe.
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg? Because if it lifted up both legs it would fall over!
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”
Something wonderful happened to the blind carpenter. He picked up his hammer and saw!
I’m reading this book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
You know what was a real ground-breaking invention? The shovel
How can you identify a dogwood tree? By its bark!
Why do elm trees seem suspicious on sunny days? Cuz, they’re just a bit shady.
Wanna here a new one about construction? Never mind, I’m still working on it.
You heard the rumor going around about butter? Actually, I really shouldn’t spread it.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
Did you hear about the guy who was deathly afraid of speed bumps? He’s slowly getting over it
Can you believe that someone was stealing from the garden club? Oh yeah they caught her green thumbed.
Why didn’t the dinosaur cross the road? It was extinct.
“I used to have a job at a calendar factory but they were really strict. I got laid off just for taking a couple of days off.”
“I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!”
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
Did you see where the hardware store is having a special sale on dead batteries? They’re all free of charge.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.
I once was hired to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
I tried working in a donut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.
I was hired as a pilot, but tended to wing it, and I didn’t have the right altitude.
I studied to become a doctor, but I didn’t have enough patients for the job.
I became a Velcro salesman, but I couldn’t stick with it.
I tried my hand at a career in tennis, but it wasn’t my racket. I was too high strung.
I worked as a personal trainer in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
I tried being a fireman, but I suffered burnout.
My last job was in a shoe factory, but I just didn’t fit in. They thought I was a loafer, and I got the boot.